What I Wish I Knew When I Was Younger

June 14, 2017 AARP published an article entitled “The Age at Which You Are Officially Old.” They cited a study done that year by U. S. Trust that found perceptions regarding the onset of old age vary widely among different generations. Millennials (born between 1981-1996), for example, say that you are old once you turn 59. Gen Xers (born between 1965-1980), on the other hand, are a bit more generous in their viewpoint, saying that old age begins at 65. When it comes to boomers (born 1948-1964) and the silent generation (born 1928-1947), both agree that you’re not really old until you hit age 73. Let me make an observation regarding their perspectives and add a couple of thoughts.

•    The older the generation the higher they put the age at when someone is officially old. We like to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.
• We all are going to age as there is only one alternative.
• I’m convinced age is a matter of perspective. As I have often said, “Age is just mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter!”

What got me to contemplating age was me making a list of things I wish I had known when I was younger. I am not going to share my entire list here, but I did want to share some of it. Please understand this list does not list spiritual things because those who know me, know that is a given.

1. What other people think of me is not important – I spent way too many years consumed by the opinions of others. If I’m happy in my own skin and believe I am where I need to be, what others think should not matter. When we spend our lives seeking approval, we will find ourselves living a life we don’t recognize.
2. Invest in my future earlier – Compound interest is an amazing thing. Albert Einstein said, “Compound interest is the 8^th wonder of the world. He who understands it, earns it; he who doesn’t, pays it.” I would have invested much earlier in life.
3. Learning to choose my battles wisely – We should not stay angry with people that do not deserve either the attention or the time. I’ve spent too many years in the past replaying all of the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens.
4.  Don’t take myself too seriously – I wish I had learned earlier in life to laugh at myself. Life could have been a lot easier if I had.
5. Wear sunscreen – Many trips to my dermatologist and being cut on or frozen about once every 6 months taught me this in a hurry, just too late.
6. Mindset matters – We will either focus on the bad things that happen or the good, but not both. Choosing a mindset that focuses on the good things is a game changer.
7. A good dog is better than a big house – I’m not saying houses are not important, Angie and I just purchased one. But our dogs cost us a lot less money, and have brought so much more joy, laughter, and love to our lives than we ever could have imagined.

What about you? What are some things that you wish you had learned earlier in life?

Living and Dying Without Regrets

When we are children, it seems like we might live forever. The vastness of life seems immeasurable and every day is filled with hope, awe, and wonder. Yet, as we age, we often look back and realize just how short life really is. We find ourselves wondering how those years could have passed so quickly. Part of reflecting on the years that have passed is thinking about the choices we have made and the things we have either done or left undone. In these moments there are memories that flood the soul with love and fill our hearts with joy. There are also memories that we regret; times where we wish we could go back and change things. We look at the social media accounts of “friends” and wonder why our life can’t be as good as theirs. A blogger named Cory Doctorow may have expressed it best with, “You live your own blooper reel and experience everyone else’s highlight reel.”

I recently became aware of a book by Bronnie Ware entitled: The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying: A life Transformed by the Dearly Departing. Bronnie worked as a hospice nurse in Australia where she cared for people in the last 12 weeks of their life. She said she would routinely ask her patients about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently in life. She stated that people near death often had incredible clarity of vision of their life that was quickly fading as well as memory of the way they had spent their lives. In her book, she identifies “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.”

1.    I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

2.    I wish I hadn’t worked so much.

3.    I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

4.    I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

5.    I wish that I had let myself be happier.

If I’m not currently writing the last chapter in my book of life, I’m certainly toward the end of the book. Here are some things I have decided in recent days and wish I’d have made these choices much sooner in life. Had I done so I think my life would have fewer regrets.

Celebrate my failures – I played just about every sport growing up. I missed lots of shots, dropped passes, and made errors. But here’s the thing I have realized. The only person who misses shots or makes errors, are those who are off the sidelines and playing the game. I have learned it is okay to screw up. You learn from it, stay in the game, and keep going forward.

Deciding to live my life – We often make decisions primarily on what it is that other people want for us and of us. Granted there is the component of wanting to fulfill the purpose the Lord has for you in life. But we often fear what others might say or think if we choose to live life our way. How I wish I’d have made decisions based on my dreams and aspirations rather than deciding based on what I felt were the expectations of others.

Deal with the “What if’s” – How often before making a big decision do we play the ‘what if’ game? What if I take that job and it doesn’t work out? What if I fail miserably. Too often in the past I have given in to fear because of the ‘what if’s.’ When, the reality is the only ‘what if’ to be afraid of is what if I get to the end of my life and realize I have wasted it. Are you stuck in a rut because of the ‘what if’ questions?

Say yes to my dreams – We all have dreams, most of which we never pursue. We say to ourselves, “One day I will …” I have found that ‘one day’ is the day that never arrives. We either must let go of those dreams or begin pursuing them ASAP. Sydney Harris said, “Regret for things we did is often tempered by time. It is regret for the things we did not do that we find inconsolable.”

Forgive myself – One of my biggest issues, and I am confident is a huge issue for many, is failing to forgive ourselves. We all have times when we said or did something in years past, by which we are still deeply troubled. Here is what I have realized about those moments. The person who did those things is not the same person I am today. Today I have more life experiences, more wisdom, more knowledge, and hopefully new insights. Even though we have tried to make amends, too often people cannot get past to seeing the person we were back then; they refuse to see the person we are today.

I am not sure how many pages are left to write in my book of life. But I have resolved that these last pages or chapters be filled with laughter, joy, pursuing the person God wants me to be, and chasing my dreams. I want to be the best husband to Angie, the best father to my three children, and the best grandfather to my five grandkids. If I should be able to reach those last 12 weeks of life and have a hospice nurse like Bronnie Ware ask me about what things I regret, I want to be able to truthfully say, “Not much, not much at all.” I am resolved to make the rest of my days be the best of my days!

Coping with Change

The word “change” for many is a four-letter word. Any change can be painful, and I’ve found the older I get, the more change pains me. But the reality is, change is inevitable. It’s going to happen no matter how much you or I resist it, ignore it, or even try to pretend that it doesn’t exist and is not happening.

No matter what type of change we face, change always produces stress. Negative changes like disease, death, divorce, or losing a job all add stress to our lives. But positive change also produces stress. Things such as the birth of a baby, a marriage, a graduation, or a promotion all are good things, but they are stressors, nonetheless.

As believers, how should we respond to change? Are there some principles we can claim and verses we can cling to as we process through the stresses that change brings? Here are some suggestions: 

1.    We must look for God amidst the change – We often make the mistake, especially if the change is perceived as being negative, that God cannot be in it. We tend to look for some means of comfort during change when what we need to do is look for the Lord. The Lord promises in Jeremiah 29:13, “you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” So, look for the Lord today, He is with you.

2.    We must ask the right questions – At 60, I am so resistant to change, the first question I want to ask is “Why?” My thoughts and prayers tend to be consumed with “Why God?” It’s taken all 60 years of my life, but I think I am finally realizing that the correct question is “What?” as in “Lord, what do you want me to learn from this situation?” When I get stuck on the why question, I often resent change. When I work through feelings and get to the what question, those are the times I experience growth. Psalm 111:2 states, “The works of the Lord are great, studied by all who have pleasure in them.”

3.    We must focus on the things that never change

§  The Lord never changes – Hebrews 13:8 reads, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.”

§  The Lord’s love for us never changes – In Jeremiah 31:3 we read the Lord’s promise, “I have loved you with an everlasting love.”

§  The Lord’s word never changes – It is a strong consistent in our life day after day, year after year. Psalm 119:89 states, “Forever, O Lord, Your word is settled in heaven.”

§  Circumstances change, but the Lord’s plans do not – When we question the Father and do not see His hand at work, we would be wise to remember the words of Solomon in Proverbs 3:5-6. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”

4.    We must hold fast to His promises – In Jeremiah 21:45 we are assured, “Not one of all the Lord’s promises to Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.” Yes, change at times is very difficult, but remember that the Lord always has the final word. Philippians 1:6 assures us that He is not finished with us; 1 Peter 5:7 reminds us to cast our cares on Him because He cares for us, and Philippians 4:6-7 promise that when we bring our concerns to Him in a spirit of trust and thankfulness, His peace will guard our hearts and minds.

5.    We must tell the Lord that we trust Him no matter what – If anyone who ever lived knew the stress of negative changes it was the man Job, that the book is named after. Job lost his wealth, his children, his relationship to his wife and friends, and his health. Amid all these negative changes, Job made a startling exclamation. In Job chapter 11, a friend by the name of Zophar accuses Job of great sin. He tells him in essence that bad things only happen to bad people and with the amount of bad in Job’s life, he must be guilty of some grave sin. Job 12 and 13 record Job’s response to Zophar. Job 13:15 is Job’s statement that amazes me. He states, “Though He (God) slay me, yet will I trust Him.” I want to have that type of faith, that when I cannot see His hand, I simply trust His heart.

Remember friend that God is not limited by time or space. We look back in the past through human history, or even through the history of our own life, and we see God was there. When we get to the present will find He is already there. That’s comforting to me because I know whatever changes I am going through today; I can face them knowing He was here ahead of me!

"The most wonderful time of the year!"

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” During the Christmas season this is the message that is thrust upon us at every turn. And Christmas IS wonderful! It is wonderful because we are reminded of God’s great love for us. Since our sin prohibited us from getting to God, He came down to us in the form of the Lord Jesus. Looking at the Christmas story we see the humble beginnings of Jesus’ earthly existence. He was born in a barn, wrapped in strips of rags, and placed in a feed trough for a crib. In this we see the reality of what Jesus said in Mark 10:45, “For the Son of man came not to be served, but to serve and give His life a ransom for many.” His was a life of humility as He lived and ultimately died, so that we could live for all eternity with Him.

But for many, Christmas is not so “wonderful”.

• To those who experienced the death of a loved one, Christmas is a painful reminder of what was once shared. The empty seat at the Christmas dinner table points to the hole not only at the table, but in the heart of all who loved the one who once sat there.
• To the empty nesters there is a deafening silence as the scurrying of little feet and shrieks of joy are replaced by awkward silence. Their thoughts drift back to the times they got up at 6:00 AM because the kids were up, and they wanted to see what Santa had brought them.
• For the single or single-again adult, Christmas Day is often dreaded. I remember Christmas Day 2019. I found myself single once again after 34 years of family memories at Christmas. I spent the day with my parents and that was great. But I have found that you can be with people and yet still be painfully alone.
• For those in the hospital since the days of Covid, Christmas is much less than wonderful. Family typically cannot be with the one in the hospital so both the patient and family feel the pain of being apart.

My point is this: we need to be extra sensitive to those around us, not just at Christmas, but most definitely at Christmas. As words like joy, merry, happy, and wonderful are everywhere we turn, those who have legitimate reasons for feeling depressed, sad, and alone often internalize the idea of what’s wrong with me, why can’t I be happy like everyone else. If you are reading this and identify with the feelings of sadness and despair, I’d love to be a friend to you through your pain. Feel free to reach out to me.

In complete transparency, sometimes, at least in my instance, some of my separation has been brought on by the person who gives me the most trouble … me! Life is a journey, and we all grow and change over time. It is kind of like the bank that hired a young man. While working there he watched the president of the bank who was very sage in the way he conducted business and presented himself. Finally, the young man gathered enough courage and went in to ask the president how he could have the same wisdom and demeanor. The president looked at him and stated, “I have learned the only way to make good decisions is by learning from all the bad decisions I’ve made over the years.” I believe we all have made bad decisions; decisions that we regret. We must learn from them, not repeat them, and move on.

The unfortunate thing is that many who knew us during the time of our less than desirable decisions do not understand that people change and grow over time. They only see the pain of what happened, often years ago, and cannot let go and accept that just as they have changed with the passing of time, so too have the people they feel hurt or betrayed by. So, for them, and us, all are painfully trapped in the window of judgment producing isolation and pain for all involved. When we are judged at our worst, the one judging us in not seeing us at our best.

This Christmas, if you are ostracized from family by your actions, or the judgment of others, it is time to reevaluate things. Hopefully we all can learn to empathize with others instead of criticizing them. If we can, it enhances our capacity to consider their feelings, rather than project our unresolved pain on them.

Mistakes, that’s the story of my past and most likely my future. But I don’t cringe or protest. I accept my destiny, knowing I have learned from and been changed by my mistakes. This Christmas, I strive forward, knowing I am not alone. Christmas, not always “the most wonderful time of the year” but it is a time we can reflect. I have grown and learned from the mistakes I have made in the past. I am not the man I once was and thank God I am not the man I will be as He continues to develop me. Growth at times is painful, but it always beneficial. May your Christmas be blessed this year as you sense His presence with you and in your life!

#SayHisName, Cannon Hinnant, BLM, and the national media

The name Cannon Hinnant ought to be plastered all over the news today. You see Cannon was a 5-year-old boy from Wilson, NC. Cannon was on his bike Sunday afternoon right in front of his father’s house. His two sisters, ages 7 and 8, were also playing in front of the house. As the children were playing, Darius Sessoms, 25, who lives next door to Cannon’s dad, ran out of his house and into the yard where he put a gun to little Cannon’s head and pulled the trigger. Cannon died almost instantly and his sisters will never get over what they witnessed. Darius Sessoms was later arrested and is being held without bail. Cannon’s funeral is being held this evening.

Why do I tell you Cannon’s story, other than the fact it is a horrible tragedy? I just searched Cannon’s names on all of the major “news” websites to see if they carried the story. The ONLY national news site that carried anything on the story was FOX. The following websites, when I looked up Cannon’s name, had no coverage or story at all:

·       ABC News

·       CBS News

·       NBC News

·       MSNBC

·       CNBC

·       CNN

·       NY Times

·       Time Magazine

·       Huffington Post

·       Wall Street Journal

·       USA Today

·       The Washington Post

·       NPR

 

Why would such a horrible crime deserve no national coverage? The answer seems obvious, at least to me. It does not fit the Black Lives Matter narrative that they are pushing. You see Cannon is white and Darius is black. I’m not suggesting that Darius killed Cannon because he was white or that this was racially motivated. No one at this point knows what was in Darius’ mind when he killed little Cannon, who was scheduled to start kindergarten this Monday. But I believe that if Cannon had been black, and Darrius had been white, all of those news agencies would have had the story if not the lead story, near the lead.  

 

I have tried to steer clear of the racial tensions over the BLM movement. Do I think that black lives matter? Absolutely! But so, do white lives, brown lives, red lives, and blue lives (police officers). I understand some of the frustration my black brothers and sisters have because people should not lose their lives at the hands of police officers for no apparent reason. But a 5-year-old should not lose his life at the hand of a neighbor either. That is why I have said and will continue to say, that as a child of God, ALL lives matter. 

 

If the BLM “movement” was simply about police reform and protecting people of color from the very few police officers that seemingly have racist beliefs, I could stand and say I support them. But the “movement” has been hijacked by people of all colors who want nothing more than to sow the seeds of descension and hatred. When people like Ariel Atkins, the BLM organizer in Chicago, can hold a press conference like she did on Monday, and defend those arrested this past weekend in Chicago for looting and destroying businesses in downtown Chicago to the tune of $60 million, there is a serious issue with the “movement”. She said on Monday, “Because criminality is punishing people for things that they have needed to do to survive or just the way that society has affected them with white supremacist BS… I will support the looters till the end of the day. If that’s what they need to do in order to eat, then that’s what you’ve got to do to eat.” She said this as some of those rioters had even tried to smash their way into a Ronald McDonald House caring for sick children and their families.

 

There is a movement on Instagram and Twitter to remember little Cannon with the hashtag #SayHisName. Let’s post the hashtag and also post little Cannon’s name. More than that, let’s pray for Cannon’s family, for Darius’ family, and for Darius to repent and put his faith in Christ. Let’s also understand that most of the major news outlets long ago quit reporting the news. Now they have simply become the torchbearer for the Democratic party, socialists, the LGBTQ community, and anything or anyone else that does not fit into their very narrow liberal understanding of right and wrong. 

 

I understand that I don’t understand all there is to understand regarding what people of color face and I seriously hope that I don’t lose the friendships of anyone over this blog. While I know that I don’t know some things, here is something I learned at Cannon’s age (5) when I went to VBS for the very first time: “Red, and Yellow, Black, and White, they are precious in His (Jesus) sight. Jesus loves the little children (and adults) of the world.” All lives matter to God!

A biblical perspective on human suffering

Yesterday I found myself sitting in church by myself and a guest preacher was there to preach. Now I understand some of the angst laymen sense when they come to church hoping for a word from their pastor and he has someone else scheduled to speak. Nevertheless, this was one of those divine appointments where the Lord had me right where He wanted me so He could speak to me. The message was about a biblical perspective of suffering. If you are looking for a sweet little piece of prose where you do not have to think and can feel good when you are done reading, this is probably not the post for you. However, if you or someone you know is suffering, and you would like a word from thee Word, then read on.

Some verses in the bible are offensive! If you are living with sin, the bible is truth and it will confront and convict over sin and to the unrepentant sinner that is offensive. However, it offends other times as well. James 1:2 is one such verse, a verse that taken at face value offends the rational mind. “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials.” Joy is defined as “A felling of great pleasure and happiness.” I am confident that few reading this find “great pleasure and happiness” in the trials of life. So what does the bible say regarding suffering? Let’s consider a few of scriptures examples.

2 Corinthians – The apostle Paul penned this and many others books of the New Testament. He was the world’s greatest church planter ever and certainly had a strong walk with God. Yet in chapter 11, he gives detail to all the suffering he had endured: multiple lashings, stonings, shipwrecks, and being robbed. Yet all of this seems to pale in comparison to some other unnamed struggle the great apostle faced. In chapter 12 verses 7-9, Paul speaks of a “thorn in the flesh” that he prayed 3x that God would remove. God’s sole response was that His grace is sufficient. While the word “No” does not appear in the text, it is clear that “no” was God’s answer to Paul.

Luke 22 – At the Last Supper, Peter tells the Lord that he is ready and willing to follow Him to both prison and death. Jesus responds by telling Peter of his coming betrayal and denial, three times, before the next day’s dawn. However, it is Jesus’ words to Peter in Luke 22:31-32 that are worth noting here. Jesus tells Peter, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you that he may sift you as wheat, but I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail, and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.” The bible does not tell us what equates to a person being “sifted as wheat”, but it certainly does not sound pleasurable. This reminds me of Job 1 where there is a dialog between Satan and God, and God asks the devil is he “has considered my servant Job.” Satan asks for and is granted permission to bring suffering into Job’s life … and he does in great measure. Notice in Luke 22 Jesus does not say that He denied Satan the chance to sift Peter. Instead, He states that He has prayed for Peter. Again, human suffering is allowed inside the sovereign will of God.

Matthew 26 – In verses 36-ff we read the account of Jesus and the disciples in the Garden of Gethsemane on the night He was betrayed. Jesus takes Peter, James, and John a little further into the Garden then the others and asks them to watch and pray with Him. He then goes further into the Garden and prays to the Father. “O Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me, nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” God the Son, facing the human cruelty about to take place ultimately ending in the crucifixion, prays to God the Father, and asks if there is another way, outside of the suffering of the cross, to accomplish God’s will. He then goes back, finds the disciples sleeping, wakes them up, and chastises them for sleeping instead of praying. The same exact scenario plays out again with Jesus again asking the Father if there is another way where He would not have to endure the suffering He was about to face. Then He finds the disciples sleeping again, once again rebukes them, and then returns to pray Himself. Verse 44 says, “He prayed the third time, saying the same words.” In Hebrews 5:7-8 we read words that I think, at least in part, refer to this Garden of Gethsemane and crucifixion period in Jesus’ life. We read, “… in the days of His flesh, when He had offered up prayers and supplications, with vehement cries and tears to Him who was able to save Him from death, and was heard because of His godly fear, though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered.” This states that Jesus, with vehement cries and tears, prayed to the One who was able to stop the suffering but God did not say yes to these cries. The reason of course is that the cross was the only hope for man’s redemption.

There is this dynamic tension between the fact on one hand that God can deliver, yet on the other hand, in His sovereignty He allows suffering. Paul, the greatest church planter and biblical writer ever, asked three times for suffering to stop and God’s answer was no. God allowed Satan to sift Peter, the man God would use to preach Pentecost. Jesus, God the Son, prayed three times asking the Father, if it was possible, to remove the suffering He was about to face, and God the Father said no.

Back to James 1:2. So how exactly are we supposed to have joy when we find ourselves facing great trials and suffering? When you walk the road of suffering, you will likely not find out the reason why. However, what you will find there is Jesus, as He too has walked that road. Are you in a dark place right now? If so, trust the heart of a good God. Or, as I used to say as a pastor, “When you cannot see His hand, trust His heart.”