Secrets Pastors Keep

Thom Rainer in The Christian Post wrote an article entitled “5 Secrets Pastors Refuse To Tell”. This struck a chord with me. Through 21 years of pastoring I’ve heard horror stories and even lived a few myself. There’s the pastor that is very successful in that his church has multiplied through his years of ministry there and in his denomination he’s called a success story. But then if you get inside the façade you hear of feelings of depression and feelings of “What else can I do to earn a living?” That is a question I’ve heard often through the years, “I’d do something else if I only knew how I could support my family”. Sad … but true.

I read today of another pastor who for years kept this secret well; the secret pain he felt, until it became too much to bear. He decided to leave the ministry without a plan. I Heard of another pastor who spoke about fantasizing of how he could get kicked-out of the ministry, without losing his wife, or going to jail. It was then he made his plan to step aside...instead of running. Now to some of the pastors that reads this, I’m sure there will be a little “Been there, felt that” … even if the feeling or thought was only fleeting. To the layman who reads this, you are probably scratching your head thinking “What in the world?” Layman, let me caution you about being too quick to judge these feelings from your pastors, as they are but mere fallible humans as are we all. Pastors keep their secrets for a couple of reasons. One, the fear their ministry will be hurt in the eyes of those they serve with. Or two, as I have experienced on occasion, some laymen just aren’t ready to accept that their pastors have serious “personal issues” they deal with as well.

So what are the 5 “secrets” Rainer says pastors keep? I’m glad you asked. Here they are with some of his comments and my thoughts.
1. “My marriage is struggling” – I’d add to this “My children are not perfect”. I think there is this need in congregations to for whatever reason hold their minister’s family to a higher standard than everyone else. It’s that “fishbowl” pastors often speak about. I remember one time about 15 years ago my daughter was just being a kid one day at church and an older layman made some statement like, “She ought to know better, she’s the pastors’ daughter”. It was something silly like running in church. I made sure he understood that he needed to give my child the same grace he gave to other kids … grace to simply “be kids”. Rainer says, “Pastors' wives sometimes wonder if their husbands are married to them or to the church. Resentment and marital fights are not uncommon.”

2. “I fear my kids will grow up hating the church” – Our children, as much as we try to shelter them, are often exposed to the “dark side” of church life. They see and hear things that they shouldn’t, maybe said about their mother or father, in a hallway or business meeting. And it is a very real fear pastors have that their kid’s years later will hold all churches / Christians accountable for the hurt they feel.

3. “I let a handful of critics control me” – I recently told our congregation a story about a man who ordered a million frogs and had them shipped to him. When the box arrived, he counted and there were only 500 inside. When he called the company to complain the salesman said, “I’m sorry, but when they were croaking they sounded like a million.” It doesn’t take but a few “vocal croaks” to make life miserable. The sad thing is, often the vast majority love and support their pastor, yet they are not vocal in their support. I thank God for those encouragers He has placed in my life throughout the years.

4. “I often have anger toward the supportive church members who don't defend me to my critics” – I often tell the story of the deacon at my 1st church that in a deacon’s meeting one night poked me in the chest in front of 5 other deacons, and said, “Preacher, if you want to take this out to the parking lot we can settle this right now”. That hurt! But what hurt worse was the fact the other 5 men sat there silently and let him do it.

5. “I’ve thought about quitting several times” – Almost every pastor I know, that I’ve had a relationship with where we could be honest with one another has experienced and expressed this feeling somewhere along the way. As Rainer points out these pastors confess, “The only thing that has stopped me from quitting is the call of God.”

I’m sure pastors could add to this list of 5 things some things they feel they are unable to share for whatever reason. Pastoring is a tough job; it’s not for the faint of heart. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and for doing what I know you will do … praying for your pastor.