Dying without regrets

Bronnie Ware is an author and nurse and has written a book entitled The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing. She worked for years in palliative care; similar to what we would call here “hospice”. Her patients were those who doctors had felt as if they had done all they could and the patient was now sent home to die.

Bronnie witnessed people grow in their own lives during the last few weeks as they faced their own mortality. She watched as her patients worked through the various stages of grief: denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. As she spent time daily with them while they walked this road, she often asked if they had any regrets; if there were anything they would do differently. She said there were five common themes repeated by person after person. As a pastor I would say that I have seen most of these regrets repeated as well in the lives of those facing death. I recognize she does not include elements from a person's spiritual life, but she is writing from the perspective of a nurse not a pastor. 

1.  I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me - This was the most common regret of all. As people realize that this life is almost over they tend to look back and see many of their dreams that went unfulfilled. Most people had not tried to achieve many of their dreams, as they were too busy trying to conform their life to the expectations of others. She said when a person’s health leaves them, it becomes almost impossible to achieve these dreams, and so we should pursue them while we can.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard – She said that with every single male she had as a patient, this was a deep regret in his life. They would reminisce about how they had missed much of their children’s childhood and wasted many opportunities to spend time with their spouse. After listening to this time and again Bronnie suggests simplifying our lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way that might make it possible to not need the income we think we do. This then would allow us to spend time on the things and people that ultimately really matter.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings – She found many people had suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. She found many developed illnesses related to the bitterness and resentment they carried. Bronnie rightly points out though, after an initial possible negative reaction to openness and honesty, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. And as she sates, either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends – Many she said did not realize the value of old friends until their dying weeks, and by then it was too late to try and track them down. From her experience she states everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away and relationships are all that matter.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier – She was surprised she said by how often this was repeated. She says she is amazed at how few people recognize that happiness is a choice. Many people are afraid to be ‘silly’ and laugh because of what others might think. Bronnie states, “When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind” so allow yourself the freedom to laugh.

 Let me close with her summary because I think she is spot on. “Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly, and when possible choose happiness.”

A fresh start; a new beginning

Has there been a time in your life where you have thought you could use a fresh start? Ever wish you could push the “EASY” button and your life would somehow get back on track or you would get past a difficulty? Ever wanted to be like the golfer who kept taking ‘mulligans’ until he got it right? Maybe you’d like to have a fresh start in a career? A fresh start with your finances? A relationship? A diet? What about a fresh start in your walk with God?

Based on Isaiah 6:1-8 I’d like to suggest how to capture a new start.

1. Admit your pain – We all have pain in our lives; no life is immune. Isaiah admitted his pain when he states, “In the year King Uzziah died…” My experience has been that the most significant fresh starts happen following some great loss or death. We often think it is God that brings the pain in our life when the reality is most of the time He is simply waiting for us to bring Him the pain.
2. Acknowledge it’s all about God – Isaiah said, “I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of His robe filled the temple. And they were calling together, ‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty. The whole earth is full of His glory.’” It’s all about God. When I have admitted my pain, most of the time it has brought me to the Lord God. But it’s those times when instead of saying “It’s all about God” I’ve said, “It’s all about me” that my pain has seemed exceptionally strong and has lingered in my life.
3.  Annunciate the truth about yourself – Isaiah said, “Woe is me, for I am a man of unclean lips.” When I have allowed the Holy Spirit to reveal where I am in my walk with Christ, it has often led me to say, “Woe is me”; well really more like “I can’t believe this is where I am.” Until we recognize and admit where we are spiritually, things will never change.
4. Absolve the past – After the angel of the Lord took the hot coal and touched Isaiah’s lips, he said “Your iniquity is taken away, and your sin is purged.” God doesn’t want you or me to live with regrets. And because of that, He’s offered us this incredible gift called forgiveness. What are you holding on to? Maybe you are holding on to the regret of a failed relationship? Or to the regret of wrong choices or wrong words or hurtful things you’ve done? God forgives! That’s God’s part. Our part is to acknowledge how we were wrong and repent of the wrong we’ve done. Then we should simply receive God’s forgiveness and release the regrets. But the problem comes when we want to relive the past. Or we allow others to relive it for us.
5. Answer God with a “yes” – After all of this had happened Isaiah clearly heard the Lord say, “Whom shall I send? Who will go for us?” Here’s Isaiah’s fresh start; he said “Here am I, send me!”

If you need a fresh start today read Isaiah 43:19. In it God says, “Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.” He’s making a way in your wilderness; in your desert. The question is will you follow Him?

Easier said than done!

There is an idiom that is often used: “It’s easier said than done.” There are as many examples of this and here are a few:

• “I really should quit smoking, but it’s easier said than done.”
• “I need to put the past behind me, but it’s easier said than done.”
• “Finding a good job is easier said than done.”
• “My doctor said I should lose weight, but that’s easier said than done.”

In thinking in the spiritual realm, I think many things are easier said than done. Things like witnessing, having a quiet time, faithful church attendance, tithing, etc… are easy to express a resolve to start doing these but it is so much harder to actual do what we are committing to.

I started thinking about this topic after I heard a song by Hillary Scott, one of the trio known as Lady Antebellum. The song is entitled “Thy Will” and repeatedly says “Thy will be done.” As I listened to this song a few times I thought about how “Thy will be done” is such an easy thing to say; we can often say it flippantly without giving it much thought. But what if God’s will involves battling cancer, losing a loved one, or any other number of life issues that are hard? It’s one thing to say “Thy will be done” if we are praying about taking a new job or buying a new car. But when it involves the heart cries of life it is so much harder to mean it wholeheartedly when we say it. 

Is it ‘wrong’ as a Christian to find difficulty in saying “Thy will be done”? Think back to the Garden of Gethsemane in Matthew 26. Three separate occasions we find the Lord Jesus praying to the Father about if it is possible to let the “cup” of the cross pass from Him, yet each time He concludes with “nevertheless not My will but Thy will be done.” I don’t think it is ever wrong to openly and honestly express our heart to the Lord; He knows it already anyway.

So, what might make praying “Thy will be done” a little easier?

1. Know that the Father loves us. In times of difficulty the devil will try and get us to question whether or not God loves us. It takes one look at the cross to know not only that He loves us but also how much He loves us.
2. The Father only wants for us what we would want for ourselves if we were smart enough to ask for it. God sees the entire much picture of our life whereas we live in the moment. If we can acknowledge that God knows infinitely more about our situation than we do, praying “Thy will be done” becomes much easier.
3. Understand it’s not wrong to ask of God even if we sense His will might be something different. We are told in the Sermon on the Mount to “ask”.

So what’s going on in your life right now? Here’s my prayer for today: “God You know life is hard. There are many things happening that I would do differently but I want You to know I trust You. You know the desires of my heart. Nevertheless, not my will but Thy will be done!”

Why every Christian must vote!

Many pastor friends have written articles and made comments about how they just cannot vote in this year’s presidential election. I want to make a brief case on why every Christian should vote. There is a vacancy on the Supreme Court and the other 8 split along ideology lines evenly, four being conservative viewing the Constitution as the document that they use to base their decisions and four being more liberal seeing the Constitution as a fluid or living document that changes with the times. In going back just 11 years, I found 10 very important decisions handed down that were determined by one vote; they were 5-4 decisions. With one vacancy and two justices over the age of 80, it is likely the next President will have an opportunity to appoint 3 justices creating a 6-3 super majority. Because of judicial activism where judges are making laws, it is extremely important to elect a President that will appoint “constructionists” who see their role as deciding cases based on the Constitution, not based on what they think the Constitution would mean or say were it written today.

Looking at the 10 cases of significance decided by one vote over the last 11 years in chronological order:

1.   Kelo v. New London (2005), This decision removed the limit on eminent domain in the Fifth Amendment. This allowed for cities, for the sake of economic development, take one person’s land and give it to another private person or development company.

2.   Massachusetts v. EPA (2007) - Here five justices rewrote federal law to allow the Environmental Protection Agency to regulate carbon dioxide because of the unproven and highly contentious global warming theory.

3.   Gonzales v. Carhart (2007) - This case upheld the ban on partial-birth abortions, a particularly gruesome and inhumane procedure, passed by Congress. The dissents made clear that the liberal justices would have allowed such barbarity to continue under Roe v. Wade.

4.   Boumediene v. Bush (2008) - This decision overrode federal law and extended constitutional rights to alien terrorists waging war against the United States.

5.   McDonald v. Chicago (2010) and District of Columbia v. Heller (2008) - These two cases affirmed the Second Amendment right of Americans to bear arms. As the dissenting opinions made clear, without Justice Scalia’s fifth vote, both cases would have been decided in favor of the virtual bans implemented by Chicago and the District.

6.   Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission (2010) - Citizens United restored a vital part of the First Amendment, throwing out unconstitutional restrictions on independent political speech and expenditures. Overturning this decision is an explicit objective of those who want to restrict speech they don’t agree with.

7.   NFIB v. Sibelius (2012) - This decision overrode the constitutional limits on the power of Congress to uphold “Obamacare.”

8.   Shelby County v. Holder (2013) - Shelby County had gotten rid of an outdated provision of the Voting Rights Act. This provision had in effect allowed the federal government to take control of the election process usurping local control and was in violation of numerous provisions of the Constitution. Progressives want the federal government running elections in this country to give them greater control over the outcomes; overturning Shelby County is a key objective. And while the Supreme Court upheld the requirement for voter ID in 2008, decisions in the last few weeks by lower courts indicate this decision will once again be placed before the Supreme Court in the very near future. Requiring an ID in order to vote allows for states to be assured of a truthful outcome of any election.

9.   Burwell v. Hobby Lobby (2014) and Town of Greece v. Galloway (2014) - Both of these decisions ruled in favor of upholding religious liberty which is a fundamental part of the First Amendment. Five justices prevented the federal government from forcing the Christian owners of a business, like Hobby Lobby, to provide abortion/contraceptive services in their employee health care plans that violate their religious beliefs. The Galloway decision upheld the right of a town council or other legislative body to start its meetings with a prayer.

10. Obergfell v. Hodges (2015) - This decision created a non-existent right to gay marriage. It took the choice away from voters and state legislators on how their particular state would define a marriage.

I hope you see the significance of each of these decisions. Some rulings were such that Christians can agree with and some were not. Either way, a 6-3 super majority would guarantee that the Supreme Court would be tilted in one direction for decades to come. It is imperative that every Christian vote for the candidate that comes closest to your values, for the candidate you would trust to appoint judges onto the Supreme Court that would not see their role as one of activism and making laws.

Loneliness

Do you know what the first problem man would ever face was? Loneliness. In Genesis 2:18 we read, “And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.’”

If you type the word ‘lonely’ into the Google search engine you will get 116 million ‘hits.’ That means there are 116 million websites that you could go to that had something to do with the topic of loneliness. There is a great paradox in loneliness; lonely people crave human contact but their state of mind makes interpersonal contact difficult. Another paradox is that loneliness is not always about being alone but rather the perception of being alone and isolated that causes pain. You can live in a dormitory full of students or house full of people and feel lonely. You can work in a factory where you are forced to interact with 100’s every day and feel lonely.

There have been many songs written with lyrics that deal with the topic of loneliness.

·         Paul McCartney - “All the lonely people, where do they all come from?”

·         Elvis - “Well, since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell. It’s down at the end of lonely street at Heartbreak Hotel”

·         James Taylor - “Do me wrong, do me right. Tell me lies but hold me tight. Save your good-byes for the morning light. But don’t leave me lonely tonight.”

 Loneliness is no respecter of persons either. Albert Einstein once said, “It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.” Mother Theresa put it this way, “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” Lest we think this is an emotion that God cannot relate to, Jesus uttered from the cross, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” which was probably the most gut-wrenching cry of loneliness in human history.

1st – Loneliness is a real problem in America. 25% of U.S. households consist of people living alone. 22% of people who ate dinner last night in America ate alone. In two separate studies 40% adults said they were ‘lonely.’ We wrongly assume loneliness is most prevalent among older adults when research reveals the highest % of sufferers are in their in 40’s and 50’s and come from all walks of life.

1995 was one of the hottest summers on record in Chicago. There were 750 heat-related deaths in a 5 day span in the 2^nd week July. On August 25^th, ~6 weeks later 41 of those people were buried together when the city was unable to find any family or friends. Max Lucado tells the story of walking in a cemetery looking at grave markers. He found the marker for a woman named Grace Llewellen Smith. Her tombstone was interesting in that there was no date of birth or death; just her name, the names of her two husbands, and this: “Sleeps, but rests not. Loved, but was loved not. Tried to please, but pleased not. Died as she lived … alone.” Loneliness is a problem in America.

2nd – There are many reasons a person might feel lonely. One reason can be a person’s circumstances. Life is filled with trials and tribulations, all of which can present a person with feelings of being alone. Another possible reason is abandonment. In 2 Timothy 4 the Apostle Paul mentions that Demas has “forsaken” him loving the present world more than ministry. In the context of life today abandonment may take the form of a divorce or absentee parent. Another reason some are lonely is because of their own desires. Many today choose to live life with no one physically or emotionally near them. In the late 1990’s there was a survey of Americans who were asked about being stranded on a desert island. 50% responded they would take a dog with them before taking another human. A poor attitude can also be a reason for loneliness. People who are irritable, grumpy, mean, angry, etc. run the risk of people having nothing to do with them.

3rd – There are multiple types of loneliness. There is the loneliness of love. When someone you have spent your life with suddenly is missing from your life, this can produce a great sense of loneliness. There also is loneliness that stems from feelings of helplessness. In John 5 Jesus encounters a man at the pool of Bethseda who had laid there 38 years, day after day, waiting to be healed. There is also the loneliness that sin produces. Sin isolates a person and produces feelings of desperation. After Judas betrayed Jesus, realizing his sin, the bible says he went out and hung himself.  

4th – Steps for overcoming loneliness. The most obvious answer for us as believers is to seek the Lord, casting all our cares on Him because He cares for us. But there are some other tangible things to try to combat loneliness.

·         Admit the problem – Until you acknowledge that you are lonely, you will never be able to take steps necessary to escape the feelings of isolation.

·         Consider the causes – Try to determine what is the root cause of your loneliness? Is it some circumstance out of your control? Have you sinned which has separated you from others? Are you, maybe unwittingly, making choices that end with you being alone?

·         Accept the things you cannot change - The death of a spouse or a move out of town are examples of things one often cannot change. God can use transitions in our lives to open doors to new experiences, but we must be willing, at the right time, to let go of the past and move on.

·         Alter the things you can change - Many of the causes of loneliness I mentioned can be overcome. Take whatever measures you can to meet the problem of loneliness head-on. Make it a point to get out of the house regularly. Get involved in church and other organizations. Volunteer! There are many ways to make connections with others that will help alter your life circumstances.

·         Develop habits that will help you to be emotionally healthy – Read and mediate on God’s word. Spend time in prayer both talking and listening to God. Start exercising more often. These are all healthy habits that will help combat feelings of loneliness.

·         Think about buying a pet - Pets can be a wonderful source of companionship. They offer uncomplicated companionship and unquestioning affection. They can even become the catalyst for friendships with other pet owners.

Loneliness can be overcome. But it's up to you to take the steps necessary to break free from its grip. Ask your Heavenly Father for the courage to reach out to others and try new things.

AJ Hussey, you lived your 'dash' well

The events of last night’s church league softball games will be etched on the heart and minds of many who were present. Two of our area churches were playing one another and AJ Hussey, the pitcher for one of the Living Hope Baptist Church co-ed teams had just scored a run. As he made his way back to the dugout collapsed as he went to sit down. Those around him at first thought he simply missed the bench; AJ was funny and no one would have thought it weird if he indeed simply missed the bench. Then when he didn’t respond it was thought he was having a seizure. One of the umpires last night is a dear friend and deacon at the church I pastor. He is a former EMT and currently the head trainer of the men’s basketball program at WKU. He immediately discerned AJ was not having a seizure but likely something much worse and began administering CPR and chest compressions. Once the first responders arrived they took over but there would be no ‘reviving’ AJ Hussey; he was with his Lord. AJ was a youthful 59 and the competitive juices still flowed through him. While he never said it as such, I always thought AJ lived by the “Why bother playing the game if you are not going to try to win?” mantra. As I reflect on that today, isn’t that how we each should approach life? If I’m a child of God, shouldn’t my attitude be one of trying to be godly in this life in an effort to hear my Lord say “well done” when I one day stand before Him? AJ, much like me, wasn’t perfect. But I do believe he ran his race well, he fought the good fight, and he kept the faith. AJ will be sorely missed.

In the coming days stories will be told and retold, laughs will be shared, and tears will be shed. Last night I was once more confronted with the reality that life is short and death can be sudden. It’s not a matter of whether we will die but rather are we prepared to die. There is a poem entitled “The Dash” that I looked up today as I reflected on AJ’s life and the suddenness with which we can exit this life. Poet Linda Ellis penned these words in 1996:

​

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on the tombstone from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth and spoke the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time that they spent alive on earth.

And now only those who loved them know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own, the cars…the house…the cash.

What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard. Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough to consider what’s true and real

and always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before. 

If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile,

remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

​So, when your eulogy is being read, with your life’s actions to rehash…

would you be proud of the things they say about how you spent YOUR dash?

Andrew “AJ” Hussey - July 5, 1956 - June 6, 2016. Well done AJ; you filled in your “dash” well.