Christmas Groaners

Christmas questions

• What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
• What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus. 
• Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
• What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
• What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
• Why did Santa bring 22 reindeers to WalMart with him? Because what he wanted to buy cost around 20 bucks and just in case it cost more he brought some extra doe.
• How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb? Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!
• What do you call an incomplete Christmas sentence? A santa clause 
• What do you call Santa if he also lives in the South Pole? Bi-Polar
• What does "The Grinch" do with a baseball bat? Hit a gnome and run.
• What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? Thanks, I'll never part with it!
• I’ve got my girlfriend a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not her main present – it’s just a stocking filler.
• I’ve invited my mother-in-law to come round for Christmas for the last eight years. This year, I might even let her in.
• Why did Frosty go live in the middle of the ocean? Because snow man is an island.
• Where does Santa stay when he is on vacation? A ho-ho-tel
• How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing – it was “on the house”

One Liners

• Every parent dreads that awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.
• This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.
• Christmas is just like a day at the office; you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
• The best Christmas present I ever got was a broken drum … you just can’t best it.
• Would you call a singing elf a Christmas ‘wrapper’?
• FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
• Remember to not leave a fire burning in the fireplace this Christmas Ever or you might wake up to a ‘Krisp Kringle’
• Watching Miracle on 34th Street makes me so santa-mental.
• Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
• Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and snacks out of your socks?

Remember, a large part of Christmas isn't about how big the tree is, or what's under it. It's about who's around it! Be blessed and enjoy time with your family as you celebrate the birth of Christ!

Hostility at sporting events

It's a typical weeknight in December and you find yourself at your child's basketball game. The game is being played and everything seems fine until, in the estimation of many of the fans, the referee makes a wrong or controversial call. It is then that all ‘heaven’ breaks loose.

I officiate 4 different sports and do so because I love kids, love sports, and it is a great way to stay active and involved with both. The last few years it seems like the verbal abuse from fans has been ratcheted up several notches. If a call goes in the opposing team’s favor, blame has to be assigned to someone, and more times than not that’s the referee or official. Yes, something went wrong but seldom is it the fault of the athlete who may have committed the foul, turnover, or violation; more often than not fault is assigned to the official.

In one of the sports I officiate (not basketball), the assignors for that sport are constantly trying to recruit new officials and there were times last year when I worked games alone because there were not enough officials to cover all of the games. I think the abuse directed at officials is a large factor in why there are shortages of officials in almost every sport.

Because officials are “paid” to do a job, many feel it is within their rights to scream and yell at the official whenever they want. Here are a few things that parents need to know about referees and their involvement in a sporting event.

1.  The pay is nice but no one is getting rich – When it comes to officiating middle school and high school sporting events, yes officials are paid but it’s not much. And it’s even less when you factor in they are not paid mileage to travel over a several county radius to get to games nor are they compensated for the constant upkeep of equipment and uniforms.
2. The rules are complex – Not many parents have ever taken the time to read a rulebook for a particular sport their child plays. There are 100’s of rules in every rulebook and the officials are required to read these, know them, and are tested on them annually.
3. Contrary to what you might think the referee’s are not biased – Most officials have no interest at all in who wins. They simply want to give their best effort as an official. So the next time you are tempted to yell, “Call it the same on both ends”, know that the official is doing their best to do exactly that.
4. Seldom is a game decided by the referees – The vast majority of games do not come down to one or two calls by the officials. There have been a plethora of missed shots, turnovers, and violations, which contributed much more to a loss than the officials ever did. When a youth hears a parent or coach blame a loss on an official (“We would have won if the officiating had not been so bad”) that is simply teaching that young person to not have respect for those in authority. Unfortunately that often then translates to other areas of life as well for that student be it in their interaction with a teacher, a boss, a police officer, or whomever.
5. Referees are human and will miss calls – Players make mistakes, coaches make mistakes, and officials will make mistakes. When I meet with the captains before a game I often joke with them that if they promise not to miss any shots, we as officials won’t miss any calls. Trust me, when an official knows they missed a call, they feel horrible about it. At the game perfection is expected of no one except the official and that’s simply unrealistic.
6. Parents and coaches, please set the example for your young people - In the grand scheme of life, what's the big deal if your child won or lost? Of course giving one’s best effort is very important, but parents and coaches need to teach their kids and players the responsible way to behave. Often times, the kid who is constantly complaining to the referee has a parent that is doing the exact same thing. Teach the kids to be more accountable in their play and to accept consequences for their behavior. It's not just for sports, it's a life skill that will serve them well in the days ahead.