When the "Most wonderful time of the year" isn't

Christmas is often referred to as “The most wonderful time of the year.” The holiday season, for many, is a fun time filled with parties and social gatherings with friends and family. However, the holiday season often brings some unwelcome guests — stress, anxiety, and depression. This really should come as no surprise as the holidays are filled with demands like shopping, baking, parties, cleaning, entertaining, and family to name a few. When there is this perceived expectation of being merry, festive, and generous, I tend to find myself comparing my emotions to both what I think are the expectations of merriment as well as what I assume the emotions of others are. When this happens, it is easy to feel as though I am falling short and am alone in the way I am feeling. But, my guess is I am not alone. Some of you who read this blog are likely experiencing a whole gamut of emotions during this holiday season as well.

     There are a number of things that contribute to feelings of sadness and stress. I think they can be summarized by three “L words” (those of you who have heard me preach are surprised by my alliteration, right? 

1. Loneliness – there are many factors here such as death, divorce, age, and empty nest. With the death of a loved one, “survivor guilt” is often a companion. People who are grieving can feel guilty or feel as though it is disrespectful to the deceased if they have feelings of happiness. Being respectful of those we have lost does not mean being somber. We can talk of the wonderful memories we shared together as laughter is as loving as tears. Being divorced now less than a year, I personally understand the reality of this one. The holidays remind the divorced of happier times. It is difficult on children in the home, as they feel pulled between two homes. It is also difficult for adult children of divorced parents to balance the felt demands of seeing and loving both parents. Empty nest when all the children are gone can make the holidays a time of loneliness. Age – 29% of people 65 and older live alone in the United States. With the business of today’s families, it seems to be more and more difficult to get the family together. 
2. Loss - Many experience loss in the form of family and finances. Estrangement from family members certainly produces a feeling of loss and at times a certain sense of hopelessness. A change in your financial situation through job change, job loss, or retirement can also produce a sense of loss. Being unable to provide in ways that you used to provide can produce feelings of guilt or shame. 
3. Lacking – All of the factors that produce loneliness and loss highlight the things we believe are lacking in our life as compared to others, or even the way our own life used to be.

I’d like to close this blog by bullet-pointing some things you, and I, can do to get through the “happiest time of the year”. 

• Focus on Christ – try to focus on the very reason we celebrate Christmas and not the hoopla and commercialization that accompanies this time of year. 
• Accept your feelings – It is okay to feel loneliness or loss at Christmas. We do not have to fake it to live up to what we think the expectations of others are. Accompanying this is the truth it is fine to say “no” at times. 
• Those you enjoy – Do what you want to do with those you want to do them with. Do not spend the entire holiday season doing only the things you have to do. 
• Avoid social media – We tend to compare what we are feeling internally with what others are expressing externally and this can make us feel like our life does not measure up to everyone else’s. Remember, people generally only put their best “face” on social media. 
• Plan – Plan your holidays in advance as knowing what you will do when you will do it relieves stress and anxiety. 
• Shop on a budget – Create a budget on how much you want to spend and whom you want to spend it on, and then stick to it. Shame is often a motivator in buying things we cannot afford. Instead, try telling loved ones how much they mean to you; how you wish you could do more but you just can’t this year. 
• Pace yourself – Be sure to take time to rejuvenate with rest and relaxation built into your schedule.  
• Volunteer – We can combat feelings of isolation buy volunteering to serve or visit others. 
• New things – Celebrate the holidays in a new way or with a new tradition. Drive around looking at lights. Walk the mall for the sole purpose of window shopping and being around others. A new way to decorate the tree like possibly stringing popcorn. 
• Realistic expectations – Christmas might not be the wonderful family reunion you had hoped it would be. Remember, we all have imperfections and personality quirks, so expect the unexpected when family gets together.

 At the end of “It’s A Wonderful Life”, Clarence (the angel) has signed the inside of a book left for George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart). His inscription is so very true: “Remember George, no man is a failure who has friends.” We all have a circle of friends. If time allows spend time with them and be sure to let them know how much they mean to you.

Isaiah 9:6 "For unto us a child is born, unto us a Son is given"

One of my favorite verses at Christmas is Isaiah 9:6. Isaiah states, “For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” This is such a rich verse. I am a firm believer that God says what He means and means what He says. The Holy Spirit inspired the prophet to write, “a Child is born, a Son is given.” I think it is important to understand the significance of what is being said in that simple statement. It contrasts a “Child” and a “Son”. Why do we not simply read, “A Son is born”? The contrast of child and son shows that the Son preexisted the child born in the manger. The Son has existed as part of the Godhead since before time began. John 1:1 says, “In the beginning was the Word (Jesus), and the Word (Jesus) was with God and the Word (Jesus) was God.” You might ask if that is taking liberty with the text by inserting “Jesus” to explain the meaning. In verse 14, John makes clear that the Word he is writing about is indeed Jesus. Verse 14 states, “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.” So the Son was preexistent, but the Child was born that day in Bethlehem.

Isaiah 6:9 says so much more about Jesus by listing some of the names, He is given. Here are those names in this verse.

1. Wonderful Counselor – In looking for a counselor a person tries to find someone who understands them, who can help them, and who will accept them unconditionally no matter what they say and share. Jesus is all of that and more. You may not feel like Jesus understands you and your situation but He does. Hebrews 4:15 states, “He was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.” Jesus understands the struggle against sin’s pull; this verse says He was tempted (but did not sin). He has walked where we walk. Maybe this Christmas your life is in turmoil. Holidays tend to magnify family issues, financial needs, and health crises. Do not do what I have too often done in the past. Do not make Jesus your last resort; turning to Him once you have tried everything else. Turn to Him first because He really is a “Wonderful Counselor”. 
2. Mighty God – This helpless baby born in a manger is “mighty”.  The Hebrew word suggests someone victorious in battle. We face battles every day and we desperately want victory over the things we fight against, be it sin, doubt, temptation, or whatever. There is a Michael W. Smith song entitled “Surrounded”. The words are very repetitive, and I will admit when I first heard it I was annoyed that there were not more words than what Smith simply repeats. However, as I have reflected on the song, I think Michael W. Smith is onto something here, something that Isaiah was inspired to write about. The song simply states, “This is how I fight my battles. It may look like I’m surrounded, but I’m surrounded by You.” Whatever area of your life you need strength in this Christmas, will you allow the One who is called “Mighty God” to fight the battle for you and deliver to you the victory? It truly may look like you are surrounded and there is no way out. Just remember, you are indeed surrounded, but not by the enemy. You are surrounded by the One who will fight and deliver to you victory. 
3. Everlasting Father – We know our Heavenly Father as we get to know the Son better. As an equal part of the Godhead, Jesus helps us to understand the love the Father has for us. As the perfect father figure, Jesus puts on display His great love and compassion for us. In John 3:16 we read, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” Notice He “gave” His Son so that we might receive eternal life. We do not earn His forgiveness; we simply receive it as a gift offered through Jesus. John 1:12 promises, “To all who received Him (Jesus), to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God.” Will you accept for the first time His forgiveness offered in Christ? Or, for some of you, it simply means receiving forgiveness for the sins that have pulled you away from Him. 
4. Prince of Peace – No king or kingdom has ever been able to usher in a lasting peace. Many have tried but all have failed. We are far from peace in the world today. However, one day, the One who called, “King of kings” will usher in a peace that will never end. But, there is a more practical application of this name. The greatest peace in the world is when one has made their peace with God, and this only comes through faith in the child that was born, the Son that was given. Whatever turmoil you face today, will you cry out to the only One who can bring peace in your storm? Jesus does not promise to take us around our storms, but He does promise to be with us in the midst of them, and deliver us safely to the other side.

Consumed By the Perception Others Have of You

It has been five full months to the day since my last post. 2019 has been a year of change for me; so many things changed in my life, and all at the same time. Because of this, I have found myself this year worried about the perception that others now have of me. I remember what Winston Churchill once said. He stated, “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” No one has 100% of the truth regarding someone else’s life. This means that no matter how much someone knows about you, their perception of you will be skewed by their incomplete knowledge of what is true in your life. There is neither a reason nor appropriate platform to deal with perception versus reality; feeling versus truth. Today I thought, “If I live to be 100, will these (other’s perceptions of me), be the things that consume my thoughts that day or will that even matter to me then?”

Having stood at far too many death beds or funerals, I have come to understand that when staring the end of human existence in the face, these are not the worries and concerns of either the dying or those left behind. The things people tend to talk about and reflect on are things like, “Did I love enough? Did I express that love enough?” “Did I spend my time doing the things that really matter i.e. time with my family?” No one in my experience ever said, “I sure wish people liked me or thought differently of me.”

Scripture clearly speaks to worrying in Philippians 4:6-7. I realize this text is not dealing specifically with worrying about what others think of us, but the application applies nonetheless. The fact is worrying about what others think is completely counterproductive. It tends to consume us and I am not sure that anyone ever gets completely confident that others only see them in a positive light. I believe our minds are wired toward negativity; it is part of our fleshly existence. We must also remember that our enemy is the “accuser of the brethren” (Rev 12:10). When the door toward negativity is opened even the slightest bit, he pushes his way in and piles on with one negative thought after another.

Worrying about other’s perception of us, in essence says we cannot feel whole or worthy without the approval of another. When we look for the approval of others, it can prove addictive. We make our choices not based on right or wrong but rather what will gain the approval of another. We will dress a certain way; act a certain way; speak a certain way, all in an effort to gain the approval of someone else. However, the reality is, God made you and I like no other on earth, past, present, or future. Knowing that everything God made, He declared “good”, and knowing we have been created in the “image of God”, we should be more concerned with God’s knowledge of the truth about us then someone’s perception of what is true of us. In 2020 I am striving to simply be the best “me” that I can be; the best “me” that most closely reflects who God created me to be.

Please hear me; I am not saying we should not care at all what others think of us. However, I do think that we should be more concerned with what we think of ourselves. Jesus said we are to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. Often my struggle in loving others is not because of who they are, or what they do, but more a matter of me being content and liking who I am in Christ. In other words, for instance, don’t allow the question, “Do they think I am stupid for doing this?” consume you. Instead, simply ask yourself, “Is what I did stupid?” If the answer is yes, do what you can to fix it and then forgive yourself. If the answer is no, let go of it and move on. When we spend time wondering how other people perceive us, we create stories that are often far from the truth. In order to change, we have to be able to see ourselves, accept who we are by giving ourselves love and forgiveness, and then make new choices when necessary.

This coming year will you try to live your life such that you gain the approval of others? Or, will you be content in being the best version of you with the knowledge that God made you and this alone gives you value and worth?

When I come to the end of my life, if I have time to reflect back, I don’t think others opinions of me will weigh heavy on my heart. Instead I think the people that will really matter most to me will be the ones who chose me; who loved me even when I messed up. It will also matter to me what I think about the way I lived my life. Moreover, most importantly, it will matter whether when God looks at how I lived, will He say “Well done” regarding the life He gave to me.