Dying without regrets

Bronnie Ware is an author and nurse and has written a book entitled The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing. She worked for years in palliative care; similar to what we would call here “hospice”. Her patients were those who doctors had felt as if they had done all they could and the patient was now sent home to die.

Bronnie witnessed people grow in their own lives during the last few weeks as they faced their own mortality. She watched as her patients worked through the various stages of grief: denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. As she spent time daily with them while they walked this road, she often asked if they had any regrets; if there were anything they would do differently. She said there were five common themes repeated by person after person. As a pastor I would say that I have seen most of these regrets repeated as well in the lives of those facing death. I recognize she does not include elements from a person's spiritual life, but she is writing from the perspective of a nurse not a pastor. 

1.  I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me - This was the most common regret of all. As people realize that this life is almost over they tend to look back and see many of their dreams that went unfulfilled. Most people had not tried to achieve many of their dreams, as they were too busy trying to conform their life to the expectations of others. She said when a person’s health leaves them, it becomes almost impossible to achieve these dreams, and so we should pursue them while we can.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard – She said that with every single male she had as a patient, this was a deep regret in his life. They would reminisce about how they had missed much of their children’s childhood and wasted many opportunities to spend time with their spouse. After listening to this time and again Bronnie suggests simplifying our lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way that might make it possible to not need the income we think we do. This then would allow us to spend time on the things and people that ultimately really matter.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings – She found many people had suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. She found many developed illnesses related to the bitterness and resentment they carried. Bronnie rightly points out though, after an initial possible negative reaction to openness and honesty, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. And as she sates, either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends – Many she said did not realize the value of old friends until their dying weeks, and by then it was too late to try and track them down. From her experience she states everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away and relationships are all that matter.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier – She was surprised she said by how often this was repeated. She says she is amazed at how few people recognize that happiness is a choice. Many people are afraid to be ‘silly’ and laugh because of what others might think. Bronnie states, “When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind” so allow yourself the freedom to laugh.

 Let me close with her summary because I think she is spot on. “Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly, and when possible choose happiness.”