When the "Most wonderful time of the year" isn't

Christmas is often referred to as “The most wonderful time of the year.” The holiday season, for many, is a fun time filled with parties and social gatherings with friends and family. However, the holiday season often brings some unwelcome guests — stress, anxiety, and depression. This really should come as no surprise as the holidays are filled with demands like shopping, baking, parties, cleaning, entertaining, and family to name a few. When there is this perceived expectation of being merry, festive, and generous, I tend to find myself comparing my emotions to both what I think are the expectations of merriment as well as what I assume the emotions of others are. When this happens, it is easy to feel as though I am falling short and am alone in the way I am feeling. But, my guess is I am not alone. Some of you who read this blog are likely experiencing a whole gamut of emotions during this holiday season as well.

     There are a number of things that contribute to feelings of sadness and stress. I think they can be summarized by three “L words” (those of you who have heard me preach are surprised by my alliteration, right? 

1. Loneliness – there are many factors here such as death, divorce, age, and empty nest. With the death of a loved one, “survivor guilt” is often a companion. People who are grieving can feel guilty or feel as though it is disrespectful to the deceased if they have feelings of happiness. Being respectful of those we have lost does not mean being somber. We can talk of the wonderful memories we shared together as laughter is as loving as tears. Being divorced now less than a year, I personally understand the reality of this one. The holidays remind the divorced of happier times. It is difficult on children in the home, as they feel pulled between two homes. It is also difficult for adult children of divorced parents to balance the felt demands of seeing and loving both parents. Empty nest when all the children are gone can make the holidays a time of loneliness. Age – 29% of people 65 and older live alone in the United States. With the business of today’s families, it seems to be more and more difficult to get the family together. 
2. Loss - Many experience loss in the form of family and finances. Estrangement from family members certainly produces a feeling of loss and at times a certain sense of hopelessness. A change in your financial situation through job change, job loss, or retirement can also produce a sense of loss. Being unable to provide in ways that you used to provide can produce feelings of guilt or shame. 
3. Lacking – All of the factors that produce loneliness and loss highlight the things we believe are lacking in our life as compared to others, or even the way our own life used to be.

I’d like to close this blog by bullet-pointing some things you, and I, can do to get through the “happiest time of the year”. 

• Focus on Christ – try to focus on the very reason we celebrate Christmas and not the hoopla and commercialization that accompanies this time of year. 
• Accept your feelings – It is okay to feel loneliness or loss at Christmas. We do not have to fake it to live up to what we think the expectations of others are. Accompanying this is the truth it is fine to say “no” at times. 
• Those you enjoy – Do what you want to do with those you want to do them with. Do not spend the entire holiday season doing only the things you have to do. 
• Avoid social media – We tend to compare what we are feeling internally with what others are expressing externally and this can make us feel like our life does not measure up to everyone else’s. Remember, people generally only put their best “face” on social media. 
• Plan – Plan your holidays in advance as knowing what you will do when you will do it relieves stress and anxiety. 
• Shop on a budget – Create a budget on how much you want to spend and whom you want to spend it on, and then stick to it. Shame is often a motivator in buying things we cannot afford. Instead, try telling loved ones how much they mean to you; how you wish you could do more but you just can’t this year. 
• Pace yourself – Be sure to take time to rejuvenate with rest and relaxation built into your schedule.  
• Volunteer – We can combat feelings of isolation buy volunteering to serve or visit others. 
• New things – Celebrate the holidays in a new way or with a new tradition. Drive around looking at lights. Walk the mall for the sole purpose of window shopping and being around others. A new way to decorate the tree like possibly stringing popcorn. 
• Realistic expectations – Christmas might not be the wonderful family reunion you had hoped it would be. Remember, we all have imperfections and personality quirks, so expect the unexpected when family gets together.

 At the end of “It’s A Wonderful Life”, Clarence (the angel) has signed the inside of a book left for George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart). His inscription is so very true: “Remember George, no man is a failure who has friends.” We all have a circle of friends. If time allows spend time with them and be sure to let them know how much they mean to you.