Best of the 'Yuk yuk's'

For about a year every few days I would post what I referred to as yuk yuk's. They were simple plays on words or puns. I read back through a bunch of them and picked out some that I thought were the best. If this is your type of humor ... enjoy. WARNING: Most of these are 'groaners'

1. The other day a clown held the door open for me … it was a nice jester 
2. Whoever invented ‘knock knock’ jokes should get a no-bell prize 
3. I put my grandma on speed dial … I call that Instagram 
4. Smoking will kill you and bacon will kill you but smoking bacon cure’s it 
5. My grandmother was a very tough lady. She buried three husbands and two of them were only napping 
6. I tried to explain to my 4-year old grandson it is perfectly normal to poop your pants … but he’s still making fun of me 
7. Why are there so many old people in church? They are cramming for the final 
8. How do you know you are old? People call you at 9:00 PM and ask “Did I wake you?" 
9. My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater 
10. How can you tell that you're getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you! 
11. Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying! 
12. Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap 
13. I work out almost every day. Friday I almost worked out, Saturday I almost worked out, Sunday I almost worked out...
14. I tried water polo but my horse drowned 
15. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already 
16. If attacked by a group of clowns … go for the juggler 
17. The past, present, and future walk into a bar … it was tense 
18. Ban pre-shredded cheese … make America grate again 
19. A cow stumbled into a marijuana field and the steaks have never been higher
20. If three Florida Gator football players are all in the same car, who’s driving? The police officer! 
21. Even Forrest Gump got into Alabama! 
22. Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet? They lactose 
23. As a young child my mother told me I can be anyone I want to be... turns out this is called identity theft 
24. When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed 
25. What's the difference between baseball and politics? In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing 
26. A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange eating habits. “All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?” “Eventually,” said the doctor, “she will rise and shine 
27. Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself! 
28. Ad campaign gone wrong for a hospital: "Quality care or your autopsy is free." 
29. They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein 
30. A doctor drank while putting on patients' casts. He was soon plastered 
31. William Tell and his family used to be league bowlers. But now that records have been lost, it is difficult to determine for whom the Tells bowled 
32. By shear coincidence, all these sheep look the same 
33. A dog gave birth to puppies too near the road and was ticketed for littering 
34. The duck was in rehab because he was a quack-addict 
35. I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster, but it just made him more sluggish 
36. Why do rednecks go to the movies in groups of 18 or more? 17 and under are not admitted 
37. You know you are a redneck when your definition of fast food is hitting a possum at 80 mph 
38. You know you live in a redneck neighborhood when the drinking age has been raised to 35 to keep alcohol out of schools 
39. You know you are a redneck when the only time you take out your toothpick is for wedding pictures 
40. My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.